‘(ALMOST) PURIM SPOOF’ 2024/5784

Fake, shmake … News you won’t find anywhere else.

DEI rules on campus these days: Diversity, Equity and Israel-bashing.

‘Poison Ivies’ To Issue Task Force Report On Anti-Semitism

Yellow Stars And Revised Chants

‘Between The Lines’ recently came upon an internal report being prepared by the combined Task Force to Dither Over Dealing with Anti-Semitism on Ivy League Campuses (TFDODASILC).

Here are several excerpts from the report, slated to be made public a year from Shavuos.

A Modest Proposal Regarding Dress:

We recognize that, feeling unsafe on campus, many male Jewish students have stopped wearing kippot and female Jewish students no longer wear necklaces with Jewish stars. As a sign of our sensitivity to this situation, we will now not only permit but insist on all Jewish students wearing a highly visible Jewish star, yellow in color, to be worn prominently on their outer sleeves or over their heart.

In this way, all on campus will be able to identify the Jewish students as full tuition-paying members of our community whose medical insurance will cover any unavoidable incidents that may ensue on campus in the normal course of the school year such as being yelled at, spat at, etc.

A Recommendation from the Audiology and Speech Departments:

In light of the widespread misunderstanding of many chants aimed at Zionist students during numerous pro-Hamas rallies, our researchers have concluded that unfortunately, many of these chants have been muffled, mis-heard or misinterpreted. Hopefully, the following explanations will put these sincere expressions of solidarity in their proper perspective, resulting in peace throughout Palestine, from whatever to wherever.

Here are a few examples:

“From the river to the sea, pals of mine will be free!”

A fervent and heartfelt desire for cooperation among Arabs and Jews.

“Gas the Jews!”

Actually: ‘Glass of juice,’ a popular thirst-quencher for weary protesters.

“With spirit and blood, we will redeem you, Al-Aqsa!”

 Actually: ‘You stick in the mud, head upstream to Alaska.’

“End The Genocide, Say ‘Intifada’”

Actually: ‘Gin on the side, stay at the Ramada.’

Exclusive Report:

Trump ‘Coronation’ Slated For Mar-a-Legos In November

Chooses surprise running mate who ‘checks all the boxes’

In an exclusive Purim interview, Donald Trump told this reporter that he plans to sell the White House to pay his outstanding debts after he wins the presidency November 5, and hold “my coronation the very next day at my palatial, fantastic home in Florida, and – you’re Jewish, right? Well, then you’re  not invited.”

“I’m calling it a coronation, not an inauguration, because I’ve made it clear I’ll be doing things my way this time,” said the Republicans’ favorite and only candidate. “It’s going to be fantastic. Just not sure yet if I want to be called King Donald. I may go with ‘The Furor.’ 

“Yeah, I like the way that sounds.”

Trump divulged for the first time that he has chosen George Santos, who was expelled from Congress last December, as his running mate, explaining: “George checked off all the important boxes: white male, compulsive liar, rambles on, shady background and unfairly punished by Washington – that’s my boy.”

A match made in jest: Not Jewish, but ‘Jew-ish.’ Will he be ‘Veep-ish”?

He added that Santos won’t have the title Vice President. “Probably something like Lucky Lackey or Servile Santos. Yeah, more accurate. Fantastic guy. Dresses funny, but nice fella.”

Trump said he had briefly considered RFK Jr. as a running mate, based on his “very savvy” anti-vax views, “but he’s a little wacky and besides, how do you pick a guy named for a bridge?”

Asked what would happen if he loses the presidential election, Trump replied forcefully:  “Won’t happen. Trust me. Never gonna happen. And mark my words, if they try to say we lost, there’ll be a, uh, birdbath like you’ve never seen.”

Birdbath?

“Yeah, the puny, putrid press quoted me the other day calling for a bloodbath if I lost, but of course they got it wrong. The idiots.”

What kind of birdbath is Trump referring to? we asked. 

“You know, when our American Eagle gets shat on, it’s time for patriots to take up arms,” he said. “And that’s what’s happening now.”

Was he endorsing a violent insurrection? 

“Uh, no, no, I mean ‘take up arms’ like this,” he said, suddenly waving his hands in the air in a flapping motion.  

Trump asserted that after he takes office, he will not pardon himself from multiple criminal charges, as many have predicted he would. “No way,” he said, “I’ve never said ‘pardon me’ in my life and I’m not starting now. Can you picture Donald Trump saying, ‘I beg your pardon.’ Ridiculous.”

Our interview came to an abrupt end after we asked Trump how, after winning the 2016 presidential election and claiming to have won the 2020 election, he could become president again – since the Constitution clearly limits the presidency to two terms. 

The former president looked startled for a moment, got up and began to stalk off, calling back over his shoulder, “What Constitution? I guess I’ll have to take care of that, like I said, on Day One.”

Scientists Rate Adar Punniest Month Of The Year

Tel Aviv —Researchers at Tel Aviv University recently completed a three-year study of the Hebrew month of Adar and concluded that it is the punniest of all Jewish months.

Dr. Playan Wurdz, an Israeli linguist who headed the study, said that Adar was prone to more puns than all other months in the Jewish calendar combined.

“The results were an Adar success,” Wurdz declared. “There’s no Adar way to describe it.”

Asked how he personally felt about the study, the professor replied, “I feel Adar this world, like I’m floating in Adar space. The results are just beautiful. Adar-ly Adar-able.”

The research team based its study on Adar I, a Jewish leap month that occurs seven times every 19 years. Wurdz noted, however, that the results would have been the same had Adar II been analyzed instead.

“It’s six of one and a half-dozen of the Adar,” he explained.

Dr. Wurdz said that he tracked the research data closely, lest an error be made that might skew the results. “That would have been an Adar disaster,” the professor stated.

Charles Brown, Comic-Strip Icon, Dies

Hollywood —Charles Brown Goodman, the celebrated Jewish character in the popular comic-strip feature, “Peanuts,” died yesterday at his home in Beverly Hills, California. He was 73 years old.

The immediate cause of death was art failure.

‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder,’ Charlie Brown said, ‘but it sure makes the rest of you lonely.’

Known popularly as Charlie Brown, the character was born Charles Brown, on October 2, 1950.

Brown did not know he was Jewish until he was a teenager. While doing research for a high school report on his family’s genealogy, Charles came across a dusty book in his grandfather’s attic. It was titled You’re a Goodman, Charlie Brown.

Although Charles never became a practicing Jew, after his father’s passing he authored a book on the benefits of the Jewish laws of mourning, titled Good Grief.

NEWS IN BRIEF….

Netanyahu Wins ‘Spirit Of Purim’ Topsy-Turvy Honors

Most Israelis support his war stance, but even more want him out.

Schumer, In Senate Speech, Calls Out Family and Friends

Felt he “had to say it all publicly,” he explains, “I hope they don’t mind.” 

Hamas Frustrated With Humanitarian Aid For Gazans

“The point is we only win when they suffer,” says angry Sinwar during appetizer segment of tunnel banquet.

Biden Clarifies Comment Headlined In NYTimes

“I called Bibi for a ‘shmooze,’” says indignant president, “not a ‘snooze.’” 

Charedim Now Say They Are ‘Ready To Serve’

On eve of Knesset showdown, rabbinic leaders tell IDF: “We are prepared to serve …. kiddush to soldiers every Shabbos HaGadol.” 

Document Reveals Real Source of UNRWA Acronym

Original name of UN relief agency established in perpetuity for Palestine: ‘Until Nations Realize We’re Awful.’

 Jonathan Glazer Hired By Columbia U.

Oscar-whining director tapped to lead English Department (Henry Ford Chair) based on his clearly written message at awards show. 

Ben-Gvir And Smotrich Share Meir Kahane Award

Outstanding Service in Dividing Society cited at Jewish Hall of Shame ceremony.

International Court of Injustice Accused of ‘Selling Out’

Proceeds from sales of justices’ robes and wigs for Purim costumes found earmarked for The Hague-based “Hypocrites Are Us” slush fund.

New Women’s Prayer Group Courses Denounced

Classes include “Shabbat Cosmetics: Using Lotion Kodesh,” and “Meatless Menus for the Nine Days: “Not tonight, dear, I’ve got a haddock.”

U.S. Secretary Of State Claims Unique Distinction

“Say the first initial of my first name and then say my last name – aloud, quickly, three times, and I promise you’ll smile,” says A. Blinken.

BOOK REVIEW

Carrots Yisrael: Jews, Food And The Holy Land

By Groisse Fresser
Shlocken Books, 146 pages, $29.95

In her new comprehensive history book, author Groisse Fresser details how food played an integral role in the development of the State of Israel. The very title Carrots Yisrael, she points out, literally means “a land in a tsimmes.”

Fresser begins with the dream of Theodor Pretzel, who twisted arms to get others to support his vision of a Jewish state. He was aided by Rabbi Abraham Isaac Coke, whose bubbly personality brought Jews of all backgrounds together.

When Israel became a state in 1948, its first president was L’Chaim Weizman, who was happy to toast the joyous occasion. However, his prime minister, David Ben-Gherkin, quickly found himself in a pickle. Under Arab attack, Israel was defended by its new army, a combination of the old Irgun and Haagen-Dazs.

The book covers the 1960s and 1970s in great detail, starting with the term of Prime Minister Levi EshCola, during which time Israel won the Six Day War led by General Moshe Dijon.

In 1969, Prime Minister Gulden Meir mustered Israel’s strength even further. She was aided by Israeli ambassador Abba Ebanana, who kept his eyes peeled.

Later came Menachem Bagel, a well-bread leader who was always ‘round when kneaded. Israel then fought the PLO in Lebanon, led by General Oreo Sharon, who sought a peace agreement in black and white.

The book also examines the administration of Yitzhak Shmeer, who tried to butter up both Likud and Labor in the K’Nishet. Shmeer later shared power with Shimon Pears, who sought peace between Arab Anjou.

This tome is a must-read for anyone interested in Israel and its food history. It even includes the sheet music with lyrics to the popular Israeli song, “Hava Tequila.”

KOSHER ALERT

“It’s So Good It Must Be Treif” Deluxe Pareve Impossible Cheeseburgers (pkg, #313A) contains soy derived from a dairy by-product extracted from meat enzymes and/or kosher gelatin.

Product was prepared on meat equipment and therefore should not be eaten immediately after hot fish or before cookies containing dairy chocolate chips or yoshon.

--Yud K Vav K Kosher Supervision
“Making Kashrus Accessible to You”

AT THE MOVIES…

Less Miserable – Lonely Jewish singles finally meet their bashert

Bridget Jones Is Dairy – After eating pizza, Bridget must wait to have chicken soup

Mamma Mia – Features the songs of ABBA

Pappa Mia – Features the songs of IMMA

Frum and Frummer – Monsey and Lakewood vie to outdo each other

Apollo 13 – Greek god celebrates his bar mitzvah

The Wizard of O.Z. – Documentary about Rabbi Alan Schwartz

Gentile Men Prefer Blondes – Why Jews marry brunettes

The Man Who Came to Dinner – Seder door is opened for Elijah

The Yinglish Patient – Doctors try to cure yeshiva boy of poor speech habits

As Good As a Get – Rabbis seek divorce alternatives to free agunot

La Lo Li Land – Inside an Israeli ulpan class

The Kallah Purple – Bride is lifted on wedding chair, falls off

The Loshon Horror Show –Audience participates in outrageous gossip

Honey, I Shrunk the Yids – Haman plots against the Jews

Eight Is Enough – Reform temple assembles a minyan

Mishna Impossible – Yeshiva students tackle difficult Talmudic passages

Sleepless on Shavuos – Men stay up all night to learn Torah

IN THE THEATER…

Broadway beckons … Husband: ‘Should I get orchestra tickets?’ Wife: “That’s too close. And I don’t even play an instrument…’

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Purim – Adar antics

Midler on the Roof – Bette plays Tevye on Broadway

Who’s Afraid of Virgin Wool? – Tallis manufacturer makes prayer shawls for young women

Sunset Bulova – Rabbi checks his watch to see if Shabbos is over

The Lyin’ King – Pharaoh reneges on his promises to free the Jews

Goys and Dills – Gentiles search for tasty kosher pickles

The Reproducers – Boro Park couple celebrates their 25^th child

Jekyll and Chai – Doctor with split personality makes pledge, then refuses to redeem it

Damn Yekkes – German Jews’ punctuality makes everyone else look bad

47^th Street – Musical about the Diamond District

Annie Get Your Mun – Orphan bakes hamantaschen

Best Little Hairhouse in Texas – Doings at a Dallas sheytl shop

I Can Get It for You Retail – A non-Jewish musical

Miss Chaigon – Shul refuses pledges of less than $25

Love, Loss, and What I Tore – Jewish mourners discuss the clothing items they ripped for shiva

I Love It, It’s Perfect, Now Change – Jewish women buy new outfits for Passover hotels

The Angina Monologues – Bubbies kvetch about their aches and pains

Adam’s Family – The first couple is ejected from Eden

The Book of Moron – Chelm stories retold

JEWISH PERSONAL ADS

I’m a sensitive Jewish prince, 27, to whom you can open your heart. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I’ll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. Box 458

Newly-religious man, 30, seeks very orthodox woman for marriage. Object: Drive my non-observant parents crazy.  Box 751

Conservative accountant, 29. Great sense of humor. Seeks wife I can count on. (Get it? I’m an accountant! A woman I can “count” on! Get it?) Twice divorced. Box 35

Jewish man, 45. I don’t drive. I don’t work. I don’t dine in restaurants. I don’t travel on vacations. Oy, what I wouldn’t do for you! Please write. (I don’t have a phone.) Box 592

Orthodox woman, 40. Loves water sports—n’tilas yadayim, mayim acharonim, tashlich, mikveh. Seeks man willing to take the plunge and get soaked. Box 999

Jewish businessman. Manufactures Shabbos candles, havdalah candles, Chanukah candles, Yahrtzeit candles. Seeks nonsmoker. Box 610

Very Reform Jewish woman, 37. Seeks very Reform Jewish man willing to go on Easter-egg hunt for b’dikas chametz. Box 777

Yeshiva boy, 21, wishes to learn full-time. Seeks girl with wealthy father. On second thought, just seeks the wealthy father. Box 47

Your plates or mine? Divorced man, 42, with fleishig dishes only. Seeks woman with nice milchig set. Object macaroni. Box 630

Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Box 622

Israeli woman, 28, works behind falafel counter in a pizza shop. Looking for Jewish man with a good sense of hummus. Box 434

Divorced Jewish man, 41, seeks partner to attend shul with, share Shabbos meals, celebrate holidays, build a sukkah together, attend brises, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. Box 658

Borderline kosher—Seeking a Jewish woman who won’t boil our pork in a milchig pot on Yom Kippur. Are you the one? Box 112

“Sitting Shiva”—that’s my real name. Jewish Indian princess, 41, seeks Jewish chieftain. I want papoose and split-level teepee. Box 466

HAD ENOUGH? UNDERSTOOD. THANKS FOR READING THIS SHTUSS —YOU’RE THE FIRST TO MAKE IT THIS FAR! — AND HAPPY PURIM TO ALL…

This edition of the Purim Spoof was written by my friend Meish Goldish (from his vast collection of At the Movies, In the Theater and the Jewish Personal Ads) and me, just prior to our entering the Witness Protection Program.  Meish and I have collaborated writing Purim material almost every year since 1974 (!), when we performed for our shul in Teaneck, NJ. (One of our better jokes that year resulted in the rabbi getting up and leaving the room.)

This year, I wrote the stuff you thought was funny; Meish wrote the rest.

Wishing each of you a Chag Purim sameach as we pray for brighter times for our families, friends and all Israel.

B’shalom,

Gary