Bibi Advocates ‘Unique Two-State Solution’

One for charedim and one for the rest of Israel; massive concessions to coalition revealed.

Up against The Wall: Bibi signs secret last-minute agreement with coalition leaders at the Western Wall to insure passage of budget. “My prayers are answered,” he wrote in note placed in the Wall.

Prime Minister Netanyahu reached an agreement with charedi and nationalist members of his coalition to approve the national budget next week by making a number of major concessions, including providing mink streimels to all chasidic boys as bar mitzvah presents, and high-quality sheitels for chasidic brides.

The estimated combined cost was 2 zillion shekels (approximately $900 million) – 64 percent of the total budget.

The agreement appears to assure the passage of the budget by the May 29 deadline. If it does not pass, the government would fall and new elections would be held.

Most significantly, Netanyahu has agreed to a two-state solution that does not involve Palestinians. Rather, it would provide the ultra-Orthodox community with its own state, whose capital will be Bnai Brak. Tel Aviv will be the capital for the rest of Israel.  

As part of the deal, Yankel “Dudul” Dandee, newly appointed head of the Lack of Education Ministry, announced proudly that the Netanyahu government has agreed to provide an addition 250 million shekels to fund the Every Child Left Behind campaign, assuring that no basic skills for secular education will be taught to chasidic boys.

In addition to the charedi demand that all of their young men be declared exempt from the IDF and any other form of national service when they reach the age of 18, the government has agreed to define kollel (rabbinical) students as boys 7 years old and up, and to pay them 613 shekels for each blessing they recite. 

“It’s not for selfish reasons, God forbid, that we make these demands,,” explained Bezalel Notrich, Minister of Financial Upheaval.

“The deployment of these funds will be a blessing for all heterosexual Jews across the land,” he said, “and serve as protection by assuring that no harm will come from our hostile neighbors because our young men will be praying fervently for peace as well as for additional funding.”

Asked how the government would respond to hostile rockets from Israel’s enemies if the military budget was severely cut to accommodate charedi demands, Notrich said “we will add an additional Psalm to our prayers –  and if that doesn’t work, we’ll all move to Brooklyn.”

Not to be outdone, Itamar Ben-Sneer, Minister of National Insecurity, called on the government to annex and declare as part of Israel all of the West Bank, Jordan, Lebanon and at least three of the 5 Towns  in Long Island. He said if the legislation fails he will resign his post and go back to being a fringe rabble-rouser.

“Would you really give up your job and free car if your demands are not met?” one reporter asked.

“No,” Ben-Sneer acknowledged. “But I would have a major hissy.” 

Meanwhile, the prime minister, who was seen wearing a black hat going into negotiations with the charedi parties, insists that he is fully in control. “Nothing has changed,” he said. “My hands are on the wheel, and baruch HaShem, with God’s help, everything will be fine, poo poo.”