Breaking News: Orioles Charge American League With Fraud

Last-place club demands recount of season's scores; playoffs delayed.

Newest Bird: Rudy Giuliani, the former New York City mayor and new attorney for the Baltimore Orioles, at a press conference today near The Block. Giuliani said he wore the mascot outfit “so people won’t see me sweating profusely.”

Dear Reader,

I’m excited to share this “scoop” with you before it hits the mainstream press.

I plan to resume my columns later this week.

Baltimore – A new spokesman for the Baltimore Orioles asserted today that the team is the rightful champion of the American League East and that its record of 52 wins and 110 losses was comprised of dozens of “fake scores.”

The announcement came from the Orioles’ new attorney, Rudy Giuliani.

Speaking at a make-shift press conference at the Four Seasons Landscaping Co. on the seedy Baltimore downtown site, The Block, the former New York mayor stated: “We have proof that many of the team’s losses were due to a massive and complex, computer-generated manipulation of the scores in such a way that the Orioles came out on the short end. It’s a disgrace and an outrage and a threat to the American pastime.” 

Giuliani said he has proof “that wherever an official scorecard shows that an Oriole player grounded out or popped out, in fact that player hit a triple. So you can imagine how many ‘lost’ games were actually stolen from them.”

[Former Oriole star and Hall of Famer Cal Ripken, when later apprised of these developments, told reporters: “I’m not sure about all those triples.. What would really help the ball club is better players.”]

At the press conference, Giuliani revealed that the Arizona state legislature has already begun to conduct a forensic recount of their Diamondback team’s games, as well as the Orioles’ games, noting that “it’s no coincidence” that the National League’s last-place team finished the season with the identical 52-110 record as the Orioles.

According to Giuliani, the Orioles are seeking a delay in the American League playoffs and World Series until the official scorecards of the team’s 162 games are “recounted, multiplied by 22 and divided by four.

“That should clear things up,” he said.

“This action will finally allow the Orioles to compete in the World Series,” he said, his voice rising. “It’s criminal and un-American that the Orioles have been prevented from playing in the World Series since 1983. Thirty-eight years is enough. Let’s make the Orioles great again.”