Exclusive! Highlights of the 613th Jewish Winter Olympics

Israel's ruling coalition surprises skeptics in Skating-On-Thin-Ice Competition; and more.

Curling Champ: Nachman, captain of Team Bratzlav, shown here studying for his pre-event Covid test, handily took the Gold in the Sidecurling (Payos) competition.

In yet another example of media bias against Israel, Zionists and Jews everywhere, mainstream media once again boycotted the exciting Jewish Winter Olympics, held this year in the snow-capped mountains of Miami Beach. (Ok, so the snow was artificial and there are no mountains.)

“Between The Lines” is proud to provide this exclusive report on the highlights of the competition, which included hundreds of distinctly amateur Jewish athletes from around the globe, and the Five Towns.

Few realize that the Jewish Olympics can be traced back to Biblical times, beginning with Moses’s famous Tablets Toss at Mt. Sinai, Joshua prevailing in the Walls Tumbling event at Jericho, and the young shepherd, David, future king of Israel, taking second place in the Rock-Throwing-Giant-Slaying event in the Valley of Eyal. 

(The winner of the latter competition was recorded only as Phil, who it is believed to have later invented, and made a fortune from, the still-popular Rock-Scissors-Papyrus game.)

This year’s theme was “Slalom Aleichem” and featured (non-Jewish) marching bands, (root beer) floats and thousands of frozen felafel handed out to the crowd.

In the Seniors competition, there was great excitement for a new entry: Bubbesledding. 

A team of four bubbes in their mid-80s from Canada easily bested the competition, racing down the mountainside in record time, with only three broken hips among them.

Another new category, a result of widespread economic crises, was the Fee Skating event (formerly Free Skating), requiring participants to pay their way and reduce their Figure 8s to 7s.

In the Ice Hocking finals, Team Monsey was a clear winner, yelling, knocking and hocking louder than their more soft-spokens opponents in the rink. Team Monsey scored a 94.4 decibels, the equivalent of 8.6 on the Richter scale.

In the Women’s division, all eyes were on the controversial American skier, Julia Haart, best known for her unorthodox, flashy style, as seen last season on Netflix. After being fired from her prominent job and filing for divorce in recent days, she easily won the Extremely Downhill Race, zooming from mountaintop to the bottom in record time.

In the perennial favorite, the Skating-On-Thin-Ice match, Israeli Prime Minister Naftali Bennet and his rag-tag coalition were the distinct underdogs. But they surprised the entire Jewish world by lasting as long as they did, despite a number of near collapses in the rink. 

Co-captain Yair Lapid was credited with keeping the team together and he praised his colleagues on “displaying their true (Gold) mettle.”

Former Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu, the original favorite, insisted his Likud team won and that the match was stolen by “fake Jews.” He refused to leave the rink until he was given a prize. After a lengthy stand-off, the judges presented him with the Sore Loser Award, a supply of fast-melting ice cream to take home to his wife. 

Netanyahu vowed he would be back for revenge, though, even if he is convicted on charges of bribery. 

“You’ll know where to find me,” he shouted to the crowd, “because I’ll leave you my cell number!”