'PRE-PURIM SPOOF’ EXCLUSIVE: Netanyahu Insists His Efforts To Weaken Democracy ‘Just A Purim Prank.’
Prime Minister saves his most dramatic statement for last.
‘How come everyone looks so glum?” Israeli leader asks on eve of eve of annual day of merriment and hijinks.
JERUSALEM – “Have you no sense of humor?” Benjamin Netanyahu asked incredulously as he addressed a worldwide audience on the eve of Purim Eve.
Appearing in holiday costume as Donald Trump, with a bright orange toupee and deranged demeanor, the prime minister chastised the majority of Israelis — and advocates around the world of democracy and human rights — for “believing for even a minute that I would actually jeopardize the foundations of the Jewish State with such a crazy, dangerous plan.
“Can’t you take a joke?! Chag sameach? Happy Purim!” he bellowed, appearing at a packed press conference at his official residence. The room remained silent.
With his wife, Sarah, standing guard over a vat of vanilla ice cream in the back of the room, and his son, Yair, tweeting violent threats against rival party leaders, Netanyahu continued: “Citizens of Israel and friends everywhere, whether you support me or not, you know that I am as brilliant and politically astute as I am humble. Why would I risk a civil war in Israel and jeopardize our amazing economy and alienate our most vital ally, the United States, and all of diaspora Jewry by reducing the cornerstone of our proud democracy, the High Court, to a mockery of justice?
“This was all an elaborate Purim prank,” he said, citing the long standing tradition of hjinks in observing the holiday.
When a reporter timidly rose to suggest that Netanyahu had put in place a coalition of ultra-Orthodox Jews and ultra-nationalists so they could override High Court decisions and nullify laws leading to his possible imprisonment, the longest-serving prime minister in Israel’s history responded: “Ridiculous.”
He asserted that the planned “tweaks” in the judicial system would only enhance Israel’s democracy. “And besides,” he said, “I might as well tell you now that in response to my loyal followers and in keeping with our glorious heritage and with deep respect for our Biblical traditions, in the not-too-distant future I will be crowned and become the first king of Israel in many centuries.”
“When is the not-too-distant future?” Netanyahu was asked.
“Well, Thursday,” he replied, adding: “I shall be known as King Bibi. Or, in honor of my favorite blues guitarist, Bibi King.
“And trust me,” he concluded dramatically before turning and walking out of the room, “I’m not kidding.”
Editor’s Note: To be clear, the above is a Purim Spoof. Be on the lookout for additional Purim Spoof material before the holiday begins.