‘PURIM SPOOF’ 2023/5783

FAKE, SHMAKE … NEWS YOU WON’T FIND ANYWHERE ELSE

All The News (In Yiddish) That’s Fit To Print: A new look for The Gray Maidel.

Dramatic Changes Taking Place At New York Times

Times Square – Responding to criticism of its steady coverage of alleged chasidic legal violations, and acknowledging the clout and growth of New York’s charedi community, publisher A. G. Cheeseburger announced today: “We have come up with a smart business move for the future: to go full-on black” (as in hats). 

Wearing a vintage Homburg and sporting a scraggly beard, the scion of the Cheeseburger family pledged to “publish a daily Yiddish edition for Brooklyn, starting this Erev Shabbos, please God.” He asserted that plans call for revamping all content “except ‘Wordle,’ which is already a Yiddish word.”

Cheeseburger said “International News” will be replaced with “The Universe: From Flatbush to Williamsburg.”  

In addition: “Sports,” “The Arts,” “Science,” “Restaurant Guide,” “Modern Love,” “Metropolitan Diary,” “Book Reviews” and “The Crossword” will be combined into a new, one-paragraph section: “Bittul Zman” (Waste of Time).

The Friday edition will carry updates on whether the Eruv is up “for those who hold by it,” Cheeseburger noted, as well as “candle lighting times and ‘plag mincha.” 

“We hope these minor tweaks will improve our relationship with the charedi and chasidic communities which, according to our marketing analysis, will represent 94 percent of the Jewish community over the next two decades,” the publisher said.

The publisher noted that “of course delivery on Shabbos will be handled by non-Jewish employees” and all Passover recipes will be non-gebrokts.

“And finally, I wish everyone a freilichen Purim and Happy Halvah.”

In a sign of appreciation for the Times’ move, chasidic leader Rabbi Luvma Streimel said all boys’ yeshivas in New York will add a few minutes of Yinglish each month to their now non-existent secular curriculum. 

“It’s by us a start,” he observed.

George Santos Inks Show Biz Deals for Big Buck$

Washington, DC—George Santos, the beleaguered U.S. Representative who has admitted to telling scores of lies about his past in order to get elected, announced today that he has signed lucrative contracts to star in several television shows and two Broadway musicals.

Santos said that none of his new commitments would interfere with his job in Congress, which primarily involves avoiding reporters while walking the halls aimlessly but purposefully.

Among the new TV programs he will appear in, according to Santos, are “What’s My Lie?” “George Says the Darndest Things,” “Faking Bad,” and “Family Lies.”

In addition, Santos said he has signed to star in a new Broadway musical, “Fibber on the Roof,” in which he plays a pathological liar whose nose grows so long that he can no longer fit inside his house and must reside on top of it instead.

Santos announced that he is also scheduled to appear later this year in another Broadway musical, “How to Succeed in Congress Without Really Lying,” which he described as a fantasy.

In a brief interview with reporters, while waiting to use the Restroom,  Santos responded to criticism of his claim of Jewish heritage by asserting, “Even Queen Esther lied about not being Jew-ish.” 

Curiously, television and Broadway producers contacted for this article said they knew nothing about Santos’ entertainment deals. The only deal that has been confirmed is that Santos has signed on to host a prime-time slot on Fox News, a two-hour nightly program called, “Have I Got News For YOU!”

When informed of the Fox News announcement, famed wooden puppet Pinocchio, who has filed a suit against Santos for defamation of character, observed, “Well, he certainly has a nose for news.”

“Wooden you sue, too?” Pinocchio asked reporters on his taking legal action for defamation against George Santos.

Biden, Trump Compete For Presidency Again In 2028

Washington – As new residents of an assisted living facility in D.C. for senior adult former Presidents, the two elderly leaders are competing to serve as president of the Residents’ Council. 

After a vote among the residents to narrow the field down to the two candidates, Biden promised to reduce costs for snacks in the dining area. Trump claimed the snacks are poisonous, that Biden is aligned with “Commie cookie companies in China,” and is urging residents to overthrow the dining room staff.

Residents have demanded a recount. 

Top Universities Ban ‘Trigger’ Words (like ‘Guns’)

‘Campus’ no more: Grassy setting will be known as “the site of an institute of higher learning.”

Princeton, NJ – A major change in “verbal communications” in colleges around the country was announced today at a special meeting of officials from more than two dozen leading universities.

Dean D. (for Dean) Buckle of Princeton, who spoke for the group, said that adopting the changes in vocabulary will be voluntary, though he noted that those who do not comply will be “shunned and shamed.” 

Following is a sampling of some of the 422 words or phrases from the Vigorously Preferred list, along with the reason for the action and the suggested substitutions for the offending words:

Campus: “The word ‘camp’ suggests summer activities often restricted to wealthy young people. ‘Us’ is a non-inclusive word, a ‘clique.’” Substitution: “The site of an institute of higher learning.”

Classroom. “Suggests inequity in referring to ‘class’ as in ‘first class,’ ‘second class,’ etc.”  Substitution: “The place on the site of an institute of higher learning that contains the building with chairs where those in attendance sit.”

Course. “Sounds like ‘coarse,’ disturbing in referring to inferior quality.” Substitution: “The topic of the themes under discussion by those in the place in the building with chairs where those in attendance sit.”

Students. “Problematic initial syllable sounds like “stew,” a type of food restricted for those with plant-based vegan diets. Problematic second syllable refers to minor automobile accidents, which may create unwelcome memories for those who have experienced such trauma. Substitution: “Those at institutions of higher learning who register for themes under discussion in buildings with places with chairs where those in attendance sit.”

Dean Buckle acknowledged that these and the hundreds of other changes “may take some time in getting used to” but he asserted that “change is progress, and we want the best for our stu… uh, individuals who register for themes under discussion in buildings… well, you get the message.”

NEWS BRIEFS YOU MAY HAVE MISSED…

Biden Orders Multiple Air Balloons Shut Down 

Chaos ensues at Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

World War III avoided (for now) when Chinese spy balloons (disguised as pumpkins) were shot down by U.S. jets.

Marjorie Taylor Green Pushes For ‘Two-State Solution’

Crazed congresswoman, oblivious of Mideast, describes plan to divide Red and  Blue states across the renamed USA (Unhinged States of America). “It’s best to separate,” she asserts, “Republicans from Communists, space aliens from humans, and White Christians from unwelcome others.”

Fox News Revises Taglines 

In light of Rupert Murdoch's admission that top hosts knew 2020 claims of election fraud were bogus, network will promote two slogans: “Fingers Crossed” and “Unbalanced, Unfair: The News You Want.” 

YU Surprisingly Endorses LGBTQ Policy

Responding to growing criticism of its out-of-sync views, Yeshiva U reveals full support for LGBTQ – “Let’s Get Beyond This Quietly.”  

Sara Netanyahu Salon Visit: Almost ‘Permanent’

But Israeli First Lady says hours-long delay was worth her new choppy, textured bob.

A.I. Chatbot Summarizes Entire Talmud In One Sentence

Two Jews have a dispute over an issue; countless rabbis argue with each other for hundreds of years in attempt to resolve the matter, inconclusively. 

Young Israel Rabbis Offer ‘Safe’ Sermon Topics

Resisting trend to criticize new Israeli government, Orthodox group suggests rabbis discuss “the weather, day school tuition, family purity, the Yankees, the mitzvah of ‘shatnes,’ tooth decay, and more on the weather.” 

White House Numbers Game Revealed

First Lady Jill Biden and Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff seen taking in Orson Welles classic, “The Third Man,” according to reports by the Fourth Estate.

Israeli Chefs Invent Shabbat Delicacy That Causes No Gas

Prediction: “flat-cholents” (try saying it aloud) will be a breath of fresh air. 

Arabs Protest At East Palestine Train Derailment 

Placards read, “When one Palestine suffers, we all suffer.” Next rally planned for Bethlehem, Pa.

Lone Ranger Admits Feeling Even More Alone

“I liked it better when everyone was wearing a mask,” says Tonto’s sidekick.

Kanye West Professes Love For Israel 

Changes name to Ye Western Wall.

Eruv Invented To Cover Entire U.S. 

“Now my father can carry every state—even on Shabbos,” says Ivanka Kushner.

IN THE THEATER:

Milah Rouge—A mohel gets blood stains on his white shirt

& Jewliet—Romeo gives his wife a get

Black to the Future—Chasid time-travels to the year 6000 to find Moshiach

Bad Cantorella—Chazan embezzles shul funds

A Beautiful Nose—The Barbara Streisand Musical

Hamalot—Rebellious Jewish teens eat treif

A Dill’s House—Life at a Lower East Side pickle store

Funky Girl—Woman refuses to bathe or shower during s’firah

Zaidystown—Grandfather runs a Catskills bungalow colony

Hairy Potted and the First Child—Esau trades his birthright for a bowl of stew

Kimberly Abimbo—Adventures of a loose woman

Nu York, Nu York—Sergeant York takes a long time making decisions

Parave—Rabbis approve alternate spelling for “Parve” and “Pareve”

Peter Ban Goes Wrong—Jews riot after circumcision is ruled illegal

Shickerd—Kiddush club goes wild

Some Like It Hat—Shtreimel sales increase

Katz on a Hot Tin Roof—Mrs. Katz locks out her husband

AT THE MOVIES…

All Quiet at the Western Wall—Congregants say Silent Devotion at the Kotel

Halava: The Way of Sesame—Documentary on how a popular Middle Eastern dessert is made

The Benchers of Meah Shearim—Chasidim recite Grace after Meals

Pelvis—Jewish rock ‘n’ roll singer gets a hip replacement

America’s Most Famous Shabbos Goy: Elvis turned on millions of teen girls’ hearts … and one rabbi’s family’s lights.

Everyone Everywhere All at Once—Chaos at a shul kiddush

The Sablemans—Deli workers serve customers at the lox counter

Top Fun: Dreidels—Children play Chanukah games

Triangle of Gladness—Jews explain why they love hamantashen

Women Talking—Ladies get shushed in shul

Aftersundown—Jews wait for Shabbos to be over

Grass Onion: A Knish Mystery—Waiter looks for customer who dropped his food order outside and left it there

Umpire of Light—Baseball judge places a menorah behind home plate

A Hut Made of Splinters—Family sits in a dangerous sukkah

Rabbi Bamberg Goes to Hamburg—Jewish leader dreams he is a meat patty.

JEWISH BOOK AWARDS ANNOUNCED

People of The Book: Test your knowledge of Hebrew/Yiddish with these authors’ names, below.

The National Jewish Book Council announced its award-winning books for 2022-2023. They are:

Unfulfilled Promises by Billy Neder

What Will the Goyim Think? by Morris Ayin

Neshama Carlebach Sings by Cole E. Shaw

Reading into the Torah by Lane D. Parsha

Waters of Strife by Mae Meriva

Judging the Jews by Beth Dinn

A Willing God by M. Yirtzaha Shem

Let My People Go by Asher Yatzar

Daily Prayers by Bo Bayom

Heavenly Miracles by Allah Nissim

The Death of the Kosher Deli by Oliver Shalom

TRAVEL SECTION…

The World-Famous Story Of Purim

Been there, done that: Jews have been around for thousands of years and lived all over the world.

The story of Purim is an international tale. 

King Achashverosh was Finnish with his disobedient wife, Vashti. “You Congo now!” he ordered her.

After she had Ghana way, the king’s messengers went Roman the land to find a new queen.

And India end, the beautiful Esther won the crown.

Meanwhile, Mordechai sat outside the palace, where the Chile Haman would Czech up on him daily.

“I Haiti you because you refuse to bow to me,” Haman scolded Mordechai. “USA very stubborn man. You Jews are such Bahamas. If you keep this up, Denmark my words. I will have all your people killed. Just Kuwait and see, you Turkey!”

Mordechai went into mourning and tore his clothing—a custom known as Korea. He urged Esther to plead with the king.

The Jews fasted for three days and grew very Hungary.

Esther approached the king and asked, “Kenya Belize come to a banquet I’ve prepared for you and Haman?”

At the feast, Esther invited her guests to a second banquet to eat Samoa.

The king asked, “Esther, why Jamaica big meal like this? Just tell me what you want. Unto half my United Kingdom will I give you.”

Esther replied, “Spain full for me to say this, but Haman is Russian to kill my people.”

Haman’s loud Wales could be heard as he carried Honduran this scene.

“It’s not true!” Haman cried. “Iran everything fairly.”

“Sorry, Haman, but I don’t Bolivia,” the king retorted.

“Oman!” Haman muttered. “Iraq my brains in an effort to destroy the Jews. But that sneaky Mordechai—Egypt me!”

Haman and his ten sons were hanged and went straight to the Netherlands.

And to Sweden the deal, the Jews were allowed to Polish off the rest of their foes as well.

“You lost your enemies and Uganda friend,” the king told Mordechai and Esther.

And that is why the Purim story Israeli a miracle. God decided to China light on His chosen people.

So now, let’s celebrate! Forget all your Syria’s business and just be happy.

Serb up some wine and Taiwan on!

Happy Purim!

This edition of the Purim Spoof was written by Meish Goldish and me, just prior to our entering the Witness Protection Program. Meish and I have collaborated writing Purim material almost every year since 1974, when we performed for our shul in Teaneck, NJ. (One of our better jokes that year resulted in the rabbi getting up and leaving the room.) If you’re wondering who wrote what this year, the answer is simple. Anything you thought was funny, I wrote. The rest, all credit to Meish. 

Chag Purim sameach!

Gary Rosenblatt 

P.S. In case you missed yesterday’s “Pre-Purim Spoof Exclusive” on Prime Minister Netanyahu’s shocking Purim announcement, or want to forward it to friends, just click HERE

PURIM BONUS …..

Below is an “ad” from the very first Purim Spoof I wrote (Baltimore Jewish Times, 1975) when Cosmopolitan magazine was running a popular  series of ads with racy photos of beautiful young women explaining why they were “Cosmo Girls.” 

FYI, Golda Meir had stepped down as prime minister the year before.

The day the Spoof arrived in homes, I received a call at my office from an older woman with a thick Eastern European accent. 

“Why would you run a picture like that of Golda?” she asked.

I tried to explain that it was done in the spirit of Purim, but she kept going. “And why would she take a picture like that? But come to think of that,” she added, “if I had a figure like that at her age, I would also take a picture.”

True story.