PURIM SPOOF: SPECIAL EDITION OF ‘BETWEEN THE WHINES’

100 percent fake news, guaranteed to offend

Mickey and Minnie caught in ‘Maus’ trap: After banning award-winning Holocaust graphic novel in schools, Tennessee school boards are ‘fed up with all mice,” including the elderly unwed couple shown here smooching. “Disgraceful,” educators say.

A note of introduction: Purim, the merriest holiday on the Jewish calendar (Wednesday night and Thursday this week), has for centuries been a time for communal celebration through eating, drinking and displays of humor – including the lampooning of rabbis and other leaders. This is in keeping with Purim’s theme of “v'nahafochu,” a topsy-turvy reversal of norms in the Book of Esther’s narrative of how the Jews of ancient Persia averted a catastrophe and defeated their enemies. Despite times of crisis and tragedy – as we are experiencing now – Purim has endured for centuries as a day of release … a chance to smile in stretching societal standards. It’s in that spirit that the parodies below are offered. 

Chag Sameach.

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME IMPLEMENTATION TO EXPAND

After successful move of clocks one hour ahead last weekend, Gallop Poll shows public has had enough of this year and wants to skip straight to 2023. Major League Baseball owners, though, call for moving calendar back a month to increase revenue. In rare compromise, Congress passes legislation moving calendar ahead … six months, immediately: Please note, then, today is Sept. 15. 

TRUMP’S CLOGGED TOILET PAPERS REVEALED

Maggie Habergal reports on The Donald’s plans, found in his soggy diary notes: wants Putin to be his running mate in 2024 (‘genius, gutsy, nice smile’); will make Jan. 6 a national holiday honoring ‘brave patriots thwarted in their courageous effort to lynch Meek Mike Pence’; will woo Orthodox rabbis with new MAGA campaign: Make Agunahs Go Away.

PENCE PLANS PREZ RUN IN ‘24

Will assert that Trump can’t run again because he thinks he’s still President and thus ineligible for third term; plans to hire as campaign manager famous fly that coached him during 2020 debate; eyes Liz Cheney as possible running mate, but will insist she serve remotely from Wyoming; advocates banning all  mixed-gender public events, thanks Ami magazine for endorsing his plan to construct mechitza at Republican National Convention.)

BIDEN FILMS AD PROMOTING MEDICAL ALERT FOR SENIORS

President shown prone on Oval Office floor appealing to voters: ‘I’ve fallen in the polls and I can’t get up … without your help. Please press the ‘Save Joe’ button now.’

AMAZON INTRODUCES ‘ALEXA SHABBOS GOY’ MODEL

Phrases include ‘Alexa, it sure is dark in here’; rabbis debate whether new male product, ‘Alex,’ can be counted for a mezuman after meals. Apple, in response, offers advice on shidduch dating: introduces ‘Ask Suri.’

AIPAC SUPPORTS PUTIN RE-ELECTION IN RUSSIA

‘We have always been non-partisan politically; support for Israel is our only issue,’ spokesman asserts in response to critics. ‘So to be consistent with our narrow, if unethical, position, since Putin has been helpful in looking the other way in Syria, we’re ignoring his, uh, less than democratic actions in other areas.’ He added AIPAC to sponsor fund-raiser for Russian demagogue on roof of NYC premier hotel…to be called: ‘Putin On The Ritz.’

MAJOR FRACAS AT KNESSET COALITION’S ‘UNITY PURIM PARTY’

Widely heralded for working together, government leaders take up arms over which band would perform at ‘We Are One Voice’ celebration. Liberals favored ‘Velvet Underground Bunkers’ while Hawks insisted on ‘The Abraham Accordions.’

GAS PRICES SO HIGH, EVEN LIBERAL JEWS ARE WALKING TO SHUL

In related news: some experts attribute gas increase to popularity among Orthodox of new kosher product, Impossible Cholent. 

ISRAELI CHIEF RABBIS BAN CONVERSION OF OIL HEAT TO GAS

‘Any form of conversion is forbidden,’ Ashkenazi and Sephardic leaders agree. Also prohibited: conversion tables for measurement; converting dinettes into kitchens, shekels to dollars; etc. (See full list at ConversionIsPerversion.com)

‘THE LONE RANGER’ ARRESTED IN FLORIDA

Clayton Moore, who portrayed the cowboy hero in early days of TV, was taken into custody this week for wearing a mask in a Miami restaurant, accompanied by his faithful Indigenous American companion, Tonto. Gov. DeSantis is calling for the death penalty. 

‘SUCCESSION’ PLAYS OUT ON UPPER EAST SIDE. (WHO NEEDS TV?)

Aging rabbi ponders who will follow him at posh synagogue. Won’t be young Russian-born former assistant. Could classy clergy come from out of town? Will prodigal son return? Boffo story line has pews packed.

‘CLIMATE CHANGE IS A MYTH’ CONFERENCE IN L.A. POSTPONED

Flash floods, fires, blizzard, hurricane and earthquake hit city; ‘Just one of those things,’ sponsors explain.

WHOOSPY DAISY GOLDBERG INSISTS ‘RACE IS ABOUT RUNNING’

Co-host of ‘The View’ tells audience: ‘I know I apologized to the Jewish Nation for whatever I said that upset them. But I still think ‘race’ means being the first to the finish line. And those people are always pushing their way ahead of us. Lord help me, if even THAT upsets them.’

Late Bulletin …. BIBI COMPLAINS HE’S BEEN LEFT OUT

‘Unfair,’ says former PM. Insists his actions this year have been sufficiently annoying to warrant Spoof coverage.

CREDITS … Special thanks to the source of the above news stories, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Orange, just back from one of her frequent trips to another Galaxy. Happy Purim!