Scoop: New U.S. College Exam To Promote Anti-Israel Protests

Test will determine if students are ‘sufficiently ill-informed’ about Israel-Hamas war.

Where ‘cutting classes’ takes on a new meaning…

(Warning, Dear Reader, this is a satire:)

How are universities preparing for the fall semester after the chaos that took place in the spring, when tens of thousands of pro-Palestinian students across the nation protested the Hamas-Israel war, sometimes violently targeting Jewish students?

I had a bad dream the other night, imagining that the following satire is not too far from a future reality…

Gary

“Between The Lines” (BTL) has learned that a growing number of universities, continuing to side with pro-Palestinian students, will be promoting rather than discouraging more activism next semester through a new, more aggressive DEI program aimed at Demonizing, Exorcising and Infuriating pro-Israel and/or Jewish students.

In a major scoop, BTL has discovered a new exam universities will require to determine if students are “sufficiently ill-informed” of the facts about Hamas and Israel, according to Dean N. Ty Yidden, professor of the Bittereh Gelechter Department of Columbia University.

Following is a sampling of the multiple-choice section of the exam.

STUDENTS: PLEASE CHOOSE THE MOST APPROPRIATE ANSWER.

To show my deep concern for the citizens of Gaza, I support Hamas because…

1. My friends and professors do. 

2. I admire Hamas’s service to their citizens by spending billions of dollars to build an enormous underground subway system, and hope that one day the citizens will be allowed to see it. 

3. I like the outdoors and keeping fit, so sleeping in a tent, marching around and climbing walls on campus are a real perk to the college experience.

4. All of the above

When I learned that the Supreme Leader of Iran recently praised pro-Palestinain U.S. college students for “standing on the right side of history”....

1. I was proud that the leader of the world’s most dangerous terrorist state knew about us and called us “a branch of the Resistance Front.” Cool.

2. I found out that the Supreme Leader calls the U.S. “Big Satan” and Israel “Little Satan,” which I guess are the nicknames for their sports teams. Very cool.

3. I was a little confused. My parents told me Diana Ross was the Supremes leader…

4. I couldn’t find “Iran” on my Google Map. (I think it’s near Peoria.)

“All eyes on Rafah” means:

1. Social media has 73 zillion views of that photo with the tents, but it’s an AI fake.

2. Obviously the phrase refers to tennis star Rafael Nadal preparing for his next tournament.

Which of these facts or scenarios is most worrisome to Israelis?

1. That the next generation of American youth seems to support a barbaric terrorist group rather than the only democracy in the Mideast.

2. That everyone in Israel wants Bibi out. But he's leading in the polls again.

3. The possibility that thousands of charedi men are finally inducted into the IDF but bring their lulavs with them instead of rifles. 

What’s the best way to make Jewish students feel unsafe (without getting expelled)?

1. Tell them they shouldn’t take it personally that you’re blaming them for the actions of a foreign country thousands of miles away.

2. Assure them that you understand that the Jewish people have been persecuted for centuries. So why stop now? 

3. Ask them if every synagogue has a special room in the basement where they keep all the money.

4. Keep doing what you did last semester. 

What was the key message you took away from President Biden’s ceasefire plan?

1. It’s basically Netanyahu’s plan, but Netanyahu is against it.

2. It says Hamas has to agree to the deal, but if they don’t, they can keep negotiating forever.

3. It’s written so that both sides can read it the way they want. 

4. Israel is important. But so is Michigan.

What have you learned about democracy vs. radical Islam?

1. Israel has a true democracy … except that two fringe extremists control the most important decisions. 

2. Hamas has a true radical Islamic kill-all-the-Jews government ruled by Allah, whose chief representative on earth is a guy hiding in a tunnel. 

3. Democracies have the Four Freedoms – freedom of speech, freedom of worship, freedom from poverty and freedom of worship. Radical Islam has Three Freedoms. Freedom to live in poverty, freedom of worship (as long as it’s Islam), and freedom of the government to kill anyone who doesn’t like the other freedoms.

What’s the difference between an ‘anti-Semite’ and an ‘anti-Zionist’?

1. An anti-Semite is someone who hates Jews even more than necessary.

2. An anti-Zionist is an anti-Semite with a PhD.

3. One thinks Jews have no right to live in the Middle East and one thinks Jews have no right to live.

4. All of the above.

ATTENTION STUDENTS:

The student with the highest score will receive a scholarship of one semester at the Islamic University of Gaza. 

Second prize is two semesters at the Islamic University of Gaza.