Scoop! Nightmare On Pennsylvania Avenue

The ultimate conclusion to America’s most outrageous election.

Make America Grate Again: Same sound, different meaning.

In a rapid series of events, Donald Trump demanded today that Election Day, scheduled for this Tuesday, be canceled, citing reports of “past, current and future voting fraud.” Trump insisted that he be inaugurated president at “the new White House” in Mar a Lago” on Wednesday “to avoid delay and confusion” about the outcome of the race.

The Democratic Party immediately appealed to the Supreme Court to reject Trump’s move, but the justices, after deliberating for six minutes, voted 6-3 to reject the appeal, asserting that “a former president retains immunity from frivolous suits that interfere with the clear direction outlined by our Founding Fathers.”

(A spokesman for the Court noted that the deliberation would have been made more quickly but Justice Thomas had to be reached from his vacation at a secluded island in the Bahamas where he and his wife were guests of close friends whose names they did not remember, and Justice Alito was in the midst of taking down a flag in his driveway featuring an upside-down portrait of his wife.)

By late morning, NATO leaders were in panic mode, and Vladimir Putin, Victor Orban and Xi Jinping had invited Trump to share a plane they co-own, nicknamed “Autocratic Pilot.” 

By mid-afternoon, Washington was in chaos. 

The three justices who voted against the decision, Sonia Sotomayor, Elena Kagan and Ketanji Brown Jackson, were seeking counseling for PTSD and attempted “men slaughter”; Vice President Kamala Harris and her husband announced they were fleeing the country, asserting: “And we are not going back!” and White House aides were planning to share the alarming news with President Biden “as soon as he wakes up.” 

Wasting no time, self-appointed President Trump announced that from now on he is to be addressed as King Donald and that his cabinet will include Kanye West (Ye) as Secretary of Hate. Other key appointments include Robert F. Kennedy as Secretary of Health Conspiracies, Laura Loomer as Secretary of Domestic and International Conspiracies, and Marjorie Taylor Greene as Ambassador of Interplanetary Relations.

By evening, the Stock Market had crashed, the U.S. Military had been ordered to prepare for war, all flights out of the country had been booked, Melania Trump was seen at a fitting for an Inaugural gown that said “I could care less,” and President Biden had gone back to sleep.

And then I woke up.