Scoop! Secret Tapes Of Bibi-Trump Phone Calls Revealed

Two leaders out-do each other in making outlandish cabinet picks.

‘It’s Good To Be The Kings’: Bibi and Trump, friends again.

Fact: Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said that he spoke with President-elect Donald Trump three times in recent days, according to numerous reports this week. 

“These were very good and important conversations,” Netanyahu said.

Not So Fact: What were the two leaders discussing? Below, Between The Lines offers exclusive excerpts from their shocking private conversations:

Bibi: “Well, Donald, you had quite a week. And I’m proud that I not only was the first world leader to congratulate you on your amazing comeback, but it’s been noted that my message was by far the most obsequious in its praise for you.”

Donald: “Obsequious? What the hell does that mean? You know I don’t speak Hebrew.”

Bibi: “Sycophantic, fawning –

Donald: “Never mind. Let’s get on with it. So who won our contest this week?

Bibi: “Sure, sure. You mean our little game of ‘It’s Good To Be The King’? So much fun. I have to say I think I clearly win this week, starting with Most Outrageous Choice To Lead The Country’s Defense. But you go first.

Donald: “Well, I think I win hands down. I just picked a good looking Fox TV host to be Defense Secretary to run the Pentagon and lead our 1.3 million military troops. He served our country. I would’ve too, you know…”

Bibi: “I know, I know. Painful bone spur.”

Donald: “Yeah, very painful. Lotta pain… Anyway, I wish I coulda seen the faces of all those five-star generals when they heard the news a TV host is gonna be their boss.”

Bibi: “Why’d you pick him?”

Donald: “Like I said. Good-looking guy, nice hair, Fox host, and he’s extremely loyal to me. Very loyal.”

Bibi: “Impressive, Donald, but I win on this one. I fired Yoav Gallant, a distinguished military leader and the most admired, qualified and experienced member of my crazy cabinet. And I fired him in the middle of an existential war and replaced him with Israel Katz, a political hack, nonentity, with no serious military experience. Now that’s outrageous, right?”

Donald: “Why’d you do it?”

Bibi: “Because Gallant was a pain in my tuchus and made me look bad, criticizing my mistakes and proving that I put self over country. Very annoying. And mostly because I’m the king and I can.”

Donald: “Not bad. Let’s move on to Hutzpah of the Week.”

Bibi: “It’s CHutzpah, Donald. With a CH. Like I keep telling you. You just open your mouth, put two fingers down your throat and you’ll have it.”

Donald: “I got better places to put my fingers … But I got a winner here, Bibi. I just made up a new department, get this, the Department of Government Efficiency, and appointed two crazy-rich, crazy-loyal and just plain crazy guys, Elon Musk and the Indian guy with the crazy name, to cut a couple of trillion dollars from the budget, probably take it out of Social Security and Medicare and all that Obama-socialist crap. And that can pay for rounding up and kicking out millions of immigrants. 

So save the government by taking it apart. Not bad, right?”

Bibi: “I can see you’re having fun already, Donald, making everyone crazy and you’re not even president yet. Was this your most favorite election?”

Donald: “Well, they’re all great, amazing. This one’s special, though, because I actually won. You know, got more votes. Can you believe that? I was all set to sue over fake votes in Pennsylvania, too. But didn’t have to. Maybe next time…

So what’ve you got in the Hutzpah department?

Bibi: “I’ve got another winner here. Not me, this time, but the ultra-Orthodox leaders in my coalition. They’re the haredim, the ones who have big families, and they worked it out long ago that they don’t send their sons to the army. Everyone else does but they pray and we fight. The whole country is exhausted, traumatized from this war – not my fault – it’s been brutal and we need more soldiers, and the ultra-Orthodox are going about their business and refusing a new law to draft their sons. And get this, on top of all that, they’re demanding more money for their schools. Can you believe it?

Donald: “Wow, they’ve got real betzim… See, I know some Hebrew… But don’t forget that I picked Matt Gaetz, who’s trying to stay one step ahead of the law, to be Attorney General, the chief law officer of the country. How’s that for Hutzpah?”

Bibi: “Now I know you’re putting me on, Donald. But I’m not falling for that one. Next you’ll be telling me that you’re picking Marjorie Taylor Greene to be Secretary of Interplanetary Relations!”

Donald: “Where’d you hear that? That’s not supposed to be announced until next week by my new press secretary, Laura Loomer…

Anyway, this  has been fun, Bibi, but I gotta go make nice to Melania. She feels insulted because I told the press she was one of my favorite wives. What’s wrong with that?”

Bibi: “You’re asking the wrong guy, Donald. I said that about Sara once and she’s still mad at me… But that reminds me, next week’s category for ‘It’s Good To Be The King’ is Most Unpopular First Lady, and that should be really close. Talk soon.”

Donald: “Shalom, shalom.”